Believe in Yourself

I was recently listening to Amputations, by Death Cab for Cutie from the album: Something About Airplanes. In this version, at the beginning and end of the song, you hear a man’s voice speaking. This man is Glenn W. Turner, he is essentially a motivational speaker. However, who he is, is inconsequential to the message that is brought forth in the excerpt on this song. I’ve heard the song plenty of times but have never payed full attention to what he was really saying, I mostly caught just brief words. I decided today to look it up and I was impressed by what I read. I’m not one for motivational speaking but the lines in this particular speech is relevant to me and I hope it will be for you also.

“And if we seem nutty to you and if we seem like an odd ball to you, just remember one thing. The mighty oak tree was once a nut just like me.

And I pray to God that one day, He will grant me the power to reach out and hold my hand over your head and give you instant belief, ’cause you don’t have instant belief. You’ve been hooked, you’ve been crooked, you’ve been lied to so many times, that you’re suspicious-minded. And when the right thing comes along, you don’t believe in it. When I’m coming in knocking on the front door, you’re out the back door looking for four leaf clovers. And when you find it, you think somebody planted it there to fool you. ‘Whats the angle?’ You look for an excuse. In this modern day and age we have instant coffee and instant tea–instant disbelief. That’s the reason we will never become anything–it is because we will never believe in ourselves. We will always listen to the mass majority. If everybody’s making fun of you and criticizing you, then you know you’re on the right track. Cause most people ain’t got it.”

-Glenn W. Turner (From Amputations)

Branching Out

This semester, I’ve thought a lot about what I want to be when I grow up. I will be graduating in December with BA in English (with a Religious Studies minor). I’ve known for quite some time that I don’t want to necessarily be a writer or to work in the office setting. I’ve been working at Speedway Public Library since August of 2008 and although it has it’s moments, it isn’t something I’m passionate about nor is it something I can make a full time living off of. I don’t care about money, I care about supporting a family and paying bills.

However, I do love kids. For a while, that has been the direction I’ve been seeking. Last fall I decided I should take a Children’s Psychology course and enrolled in one. I’ve been leaning towards improving children’s lives, though not so through teaching (although I did get my substitute teaching license recently).

Coincidentally, last Monday I got an email from IUPUI about a job fair. I opened it, merely on a whim and found openings at several Boys and Girls Clubs in the area. I followed up with one with an email to the club. I got a call from them the next day and because of my school schedule I wouldn’t be avaliable for the job they had posted. I hung up, disappointed but not without hope. I live in reality and know that one failure or mishap isn’t the end of the world. I prayed and asked God for something to open up or for some other opportunity to present itself. An hour later, Juan, the director at the Boys and Girls Club (The Legore Unit) called back to offer me a different position. I gladly accepted his offer to come meet and get a tour of the club the next day. As it turns out, I got the job! After leaving Juan and my new job, I went to the library to talk to Darsi about resigning. She was very supportive and happy for me, my last day is Good Friday. It all happen so quickly and was quite unexpected, but I couldn’t be happier with this new adventure. I really feel it is going to be a great fit for me. I expand more on my actual job activities once I get in the swing of things, but from what Juan and I talked about this: SMART, is what my job will entail somewhat.. I filled out more paper work and even got my work shirt today.

The Boys and Girls Club has been a huge part of my life. My mom has worked at the one in Bloomington since I was 4 years old. For around 10 years, it was my place of refuge. I played basketball for the club from age 6 to 14. I went every day after school, it has a huge place in my heart.

My Grandma’s Journal, A Small Note

I just finished going through Gram’s journals. Unfortuantely, I didn’t read every word, but from what I did read I gained a lot. Not only did her journals give an account of her day to day life, but they gave insights into all the happenings from 2000-2008. She’d make little notes about what I was doing every day when she called our place and noted things most of our family was doing. It’s amazing, to be able to look back and read a couple words and know exactly what I was doing at the time she called. It makes me want to continue journaling and do so even more. I want to remember more of my life than I do up to this point. We don’t realize how much we’ve lost until we look back and remember bits and pieces that form a whole.

I’m exhausted, but excited about preparing this paper for class. I don’t think it’ll be what I thought it would, but I do still intend to write the piece I intended to write, if not for me, than for my nieces, nephew and my children. They didn’t have enough or any time with her but I don’t want them to go one day doubting her importance, impact and significance of her life. Without her pushing through the many layers of life she had, they would never have come into existence. For that, my whole family has her to thank.

The Scar [March 2, 2003]

The scar I look at every day.
It just seems to get in my way.
I look at it. I think it’s ugly,
and then I cry. I often wonder why.

The scar is here right on me,
where my breast use to be.
It brings back too many memories.
Yes,  I cry and that is why.

The scar reminds me I had cancer.
Will it stay in remission?
For that question,
there is no answer.

The scar will always be there.
Maybe someday i can say.
You are the scar, but I
fought the battle and won.
You are ugly, but I can say, well done.

-Patricia G. Lucas

:.Lately.:

• I was hired at Speedway Schools to be a substitute teacher. It was quite simple (especially because I have good credentials at the library). I just have to wait for my criminal background check to go through and my sub license to arrive in the mail and the calls should start coming in.
• A family that comes to the library wants me to tutor their homeschooled son once a weekish. I’m excited to do so, as the kid, is a pretty fun one. We’re going to start Spanish as well as work on his other subjects. I’m looking forward to it. I also get paid for this. It’ll sure be fun balancing school and 3ish jobs.
• Josh and I planted seeds in these little pods he has. Cilantro, Oregano, Blanket flower, etc. I’m looking forward to seeing what spouts up.
• Joshua, Dale and I went to Bloomington on Monday to have dinner with Kayleigh. It was fun to see Kaidenn, he was a laughing little soybean.
• I submitted two poems to genesis, the literary magazine at IUPUI. The poems I submitted were: “I Started Sketching,” and “He’s Destroying Skeletons.”
• I opened a new Twitter account, but I’m slowly easing back into it. I’m keeping my list small and not having any short cuts on my menu bar. For the most part, I keep forgetting I have an account. We’ll see how it goes. I do not want it to become so much of my life again. I jokingly said something about how there was a lot of drama on Twitter sometimes and I was correct in those regards as later that day there was drama off of the comment I made. Oy.
• I’ve noticed lately that some things are just inevitable. You can have the greatest, purest, humblest intentions of helping someone or changing something that should be changed, but sometimes you have to wave the white flag of defeat.
• Mr. Wilson is back in the hospital. Mrs. Wilson called me today to let me know she had to take him back to the ER and that he had passed out several times in the hospital, one of his lungs had also collapsed.
• It’s Spring Break, but I’m mostly trying to get ahead in my classes, we’ll see how that goes.
• Headed to Ohio this weekend for Derek’s confirmation. He’s Joshua’s youngest brother.
• I’d like to slowly make my way through different Thai restaurants. In Bloomington we tried Siam House. It was decent, but more authentic and not as tasty/spicy as Thai Cafe in Broad Ripple.  I got the equivalent of Drunken Noodles (Padd See Aiew) and the noodles were very tough and the taste was dull, albeit sweet. I got a 4 spice and there was no spice whatsoever to it.

I need some blogging ideas. I’ve not been around much as of late on here because I haven’t been thinking in terms of blogging much. I’ve been on the busy. I hope you all are well. Drop me a line or two. Happy Spring-ing/St. Patrick’s Daying.  Ciao.