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Someone commented to me that I don’t write enough blogs. I told him that I never know what to write. I don’t even know what to say right now. When I use to post to my xangas (Gotham Needs You and Ishkid) all the time I would sometimes just start no where and end up with a great entry packed with random things that seemed to all flow together well and sounds beautiful at the end. I don’t know why I stopped taking this approach. Now, I seem to have a set topic in mind and I try to structure it to some degree. I don’t feel like being structured lately.
It’s been a rough week dealing with Bry’s death. My heart feels like it’s in little crumbles of feta cheese.
At one point Bry and I were best friends. Something to the effect of what gRegor and I are now. I felt completely trusting, we had little inside jokes, we told each other everything and were always able to come back after anything and be Bryan and Isha. We hadn’t been as close as of late, but it has still struck my heart, pierced it.
He was 21. Only 21.
One summer, Bry took Sylv and I to the top of the world. It was in August, on his birthday. It was searingly hot outside. The top of the world was this place outside of his little town that looked over quite a bit of land. It’s grassy. The ticks that day were jumping all over the place. We didn’t stay long because we were constantly picking ticks off each other. When we got back to Bry’s, Sylv and I stripped down in the bathroom to make sure we had removed all of the ticks. Bry did so too after us. Then he put on this Batman costume that was too small for him. His birthday cake was Batman and had these Batman rings on them. I wore it forever (even though Matthew made fun of me). Eventually it broke. When Bry stayed at my studio apartment, he left a message for me on a note magnet pad that had the date of The Dark Knight on it and that we should go together. It was two years ago and I still have it up.
When Bry came to visit my apartment, it was hot outside and we were both exhausted. We decided to take a nap. I put some music on and we laid down on my bed. His arm under my neck, my arm across his chest. It was peaceful, restful and platonic. Bry had a way of creating peace in someone. His faith was immeasurable. His life was about seeking beauty, being a true friend and love. He succeeded immensely.
The viewing and funeral were extremely hard. It’s hard to face never seeing someone again, but when it’s someone who is so young, who you shared so many adventures, chats and secrets with, it’s hard to come to terms that it’s really over. It’s over at least in this world. I kept looking at the photo they had up during the funeral, at his smile and how his facial hair made his face even happier and thinking that I won’t ever get to let his smile warm me again. I kept thinking that I should have been there this past year. While I don’t want to have my drum beat to those feelings, I will definitely play different tune in regards to being a better friend.
While I was driving home and Joshua was snoozing next to me, I started thinking as I often do about how impermanent everything is. We could all go at any moment and it’s easy for me to write that but it’s hard for you to really understand that if you haven’t lost someone so recently. I know that my feeling of needing to do everything ASAP will pass and I will return to taking people and things for granted. Actually, I really hope that doesn’t happen this time.
I guess what I’m saying is Bry’s death taught me or reminded me to not put things off. To not let friendships go on hold. To be there when someone needs you. To appreciate every single breath. To tell people you love them even when you don’t want to or when they don’t want to hear it or even if you told them yesterday. Tell people how you feel, show them you love them. Don’t wait.
Fly.
I want to bring Bry back. I want to have been there for him. Mostly I just want to hug him. I want to hug him so hard. I can’t even express this grief of the loss that I and so many people are feeling. It may be see you later, but I want to see him now.
Thank you to everyone who has shown support to me this week, this past month and any time in my short 22 years. I know I don’t always do an adequate job of showing it, but I’m so thankful. I wish I could hug everyone tonight, make everyone feel loved.
I miss you and you are loved.
I hope they know
I never woulda made it this far on my own
Where would we all be without those
Fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers
The friends I’ve made, the long lost lovers
I wouldn’t be who I am today
If not for those I’ve loved along the way
I’m having a hard time going to sleep. It feels like I’m putting a stamp on the day and sending it away when all I really want to do is burn the letter and pretend today didn’t happen.
I decided to go through messages that Bryan I sent back and forth. His words were often times wiser than his years (I think that’s the saying anyways). This is from 2 years ago.
From Bryan:
i’m glad we’re still isha and bryan.
no matter what all has ever happened between us, being close, having feelings, arguments, distance, being able to still pick up a phone and talk as openly as everything should be, whatever else is to happen or rehappen.and i’m glad you’re doing what you want to do.
i’m not glad that we our an hour away from each other. never have been.
going down possibly harmful roads isn’t as dangerous sounding as it once was is it? i think we’ve both got enough experience to know that is truth.just, don’t let the roads grab you.
you grab the roads. catch my drift?
i need you to do that, so it helps me to do the same.
and i know i really don’t need to actually write all of this out because you already know it, but i just want you to be safe. i just want you to be isha.hmmm. . .i love you
My response
You, Kayleigh, Sylva, you keep me grounded in life.. Its like at the end of the day, when all else falls apart I can call one of you guys and remember that I’m not alone in this life. That someone out there really does know who I am, despite my actions. Its what I hold on to.
Its always been easy to tell you things. I’m sure we’ll have some interesting conversations next weekend. I completely trust you. I don’t trust easily really, I always feel like someone isn’t saying what they mean completely or they have alternative motives or they are going to look at the situation and look down on me. Its never like that with you (or Kayleigh).
Indeed. Going down harmful roads doesn’t seem so bad as it once did. Maybe its because I feel like I’ve been through the hardest point in my life. Death is completely devasting of course, but beautiful at the same time. I think that I can have my heart broke a few times & Ill be alright. Its the journey, not the end that matters.
I’m trying to be careful. Sometimes thats the whole problem. I care too much about people. I care about everyone else way more than i care about myself. I’m passive and indecisive because I don’t mind decisions others make. I want everyone to be happy & that is where I find joy.
This friendship will never die. Isn’t that a great thing to hold on to? I think so. My friend Craig who was married was telling me why being married was so amazing. He bascially said, well, you have a best friend who is going to love you no matter what, who won’ t leave you or dislike you for something you do.
Sorry Craig, i didn’t have to get married to find that.
***
My friend Bryan died today. I’m in complete shock. He was diagnosed with cancer on his tongue last year. Sylva, our mutual friend texted to let me know he has passed today, less than an hour ago. It’s really strange for me right now, because all of these memories have started coming back over the past five years that he and I have shared. Our love for Batman and “our” song by Relient K–Those Words Are Not Enough. I bought the CD, The Anatomy of Tongue and Cheek for him for his birthday in 2007. While Sylva and I were driving to his house for another birthday we broke into this old drive in movie theater and found all these letters they had used for the signs when it had been open. We stole the letters for “Sylva n Isha n Bryan” and laid it on his sidewalk outside his house. There are so many little things that he and I shared, like whispers no one else could hear.
I was looking around and the last conversation we had was many months ago. I hadn’t been there for him recently. I sent him an email with a poem about cancer my grandma had written but never heard back. I implore all of you to love everyone tonight and to keep in touch with people. Don’t let time and space separate you.
me: Hi
Bryan: hi
me: How are you?
Bryan: i’m good. i just moved back in with my family today
me: Yeah, how are they dealing with it?
Bryan: Alright. Mom has been very active in understanding what is going on. Kaylee’s Kaylee…always giving me hugs and kisses
me: 
xoxos are sometimes the only thing that can suffice. words don’t always work
Bryan: Yea, not always Hey, I don’t mean to run, but Mickey just got back into town tonight, and I haven’t seen him in about a month. Can we talk later sometime?
me: Yes.
Bryan: Thanks. Love you. Have a good night
me: Love you too, sleep well when you do.
Bryan:
“Feelings inside my head, I don’t know but I’m thinking about you. Understand, cause it’s so hard to tell you, cause you already know.” -RK
I love you, Bry.
I just want to post a few things about today, so I can look back and smile.
Today, we had a surprise party for my mom. She turned 50 today. I wanted to do something special for her because she’s had a rough past couple of years and because she’s important. She arrived and was fairly surprised, although she did notice the cars outside. We ate a good meal and had some good cake.
I guess really for me, what meant the most was the feeling of family. I have never felt closer to my brother than I have in the past few years. This goes for my sister in law too. She’s been with my brother since I was 13. Not only do I feel close to them, but they love Joshua. My brother is ecstatic about the idea of Josh becoming his brother in law. I really don’t think Matt could be any more pleased than he is. My nieces love Joshua too and he’s so patient with them. He swings them about, bounces them on his knees and even goes into imaginationland with Keirstyn. gRegor was there today too. I don’t know if it’s my grandma living through my brother and I, but we both have this way that we bring whoever is there to welcomed place with us. I can’t really explain it, I guess it was just the way my brother was joking with gRegor about being gRegor”luv”.
It was like all of these big pieces of my life were meshing together today. It felt like I wasn’t really so lost. When I got home I watched this episode of Boy Meets World. It’s called “Cult Fiction”. It’s this episode where this cult tries to adopt Shawn because he is “lost”. At the end of the episode Shawn realizes that he isn’t lost because all of the people around him love him, it’s real, it’s family and it can bear any Weight he needs.
Today felt close. It felt complete. It felt like love.
I finished a few and added on. I tried to include more from my reading list. I took some off the top 100. I realized that I never REALLY wanted to read some. I’ll probably take some more off, just need to research more about the unknowns for me on the list.
I'm an exuberant 20 something year old seeking, exploring and finding my way.
