I Need to Form Words

I keep signing on to my site in hopes that I post a blog. I don’t have direction or a central focus and it’s keeping me from putting words on the screen. I guess I just haven’t let my thoughts or emotions settle on any great bit of information that’s worth sharing with the world. I’ve lacked a greater focus for anything. I don’t have much motivation currently.

This past week, IUPUI Parking services called me and gave me a phone interview. I had submitted my resume previously, on a whim. After the phone interview I was offered a second interview, which I complied with. Unfortunately, later that day I found out my Aunt Shannon died, so I canceled the interview. I plan on calling them back tomorrow to set up another interview, it may be too late but I figure I should at least try. I know I’ve had too much free time and haven’t been productive enough so I might as well be making money.

I drove home to Bloomington almost immediately after finding out about my aunt. When my mom called, it felt so much like when my aunt (different aunt than the one mentioned in this blog) called to let me know my grandma died.

Mama: Ish, where are you?
Me: Home, why?
Mama: ((tremble))
Me: Is it bad?
Mama: Yes.
Me: Who?
Mama: Shannon

Honestly, I was terrified it was my brother, nieces or sister in law. Those deaths would be deeper than I know how to bear. I told my mom I’d be down as soon as possible. Once I made it to her place, we went over to my Aunt Shannon’s. Her long time partner, Warner was in tears and told us how it happened. Watching someone die is never easy and often times can be gruesome. I hate even the idea of someone dying and also seeing someone when they’re dead. I greatly regret seeing my grandma after she had passed at the hospital. My brother came over when he got off work. We mostly chit chatted about the past. Later, we left and my mom and I ate pizza. I saw Kayleigh and had lunch with my friend Tim the next day. It was nice to have a day/afternoon of normalcy, of hugs and sunshine. I’ve continued to go on this mini vacation from reality but I know it all ends tomorrow.

The day she died I was really angry. It burned inside of me. Anger is one of my least felt emotions. I don’t know where it all came from. I think, that everything over the past couple of weeks and years descended on me and I was engulfed with anger.

I don’t feel angry now. I feel tired. Not the, I need to go to bed tired. But, life makes me weary kind of tired. I know ultimately I choose how I feel about everything and towards everyone. I can make things better inside my mind and heart and I can choose to be calm about everything. I also know I have to deal with emotions instead of smothering them.

I’m not looking for anyone to tell me what to do or how to feel, I guarantee I already know what you’re going to tell me. Honestly, hugs, holds, kisses and love are the only things that make me feel some kind of hope right now. I’m mostly just dreading tomorrow because I hate funerals, I hate grief and I hate dealing with everyone’s emotions. I know it sounds selfish, maybe it is. It’s just how I feel, take it or leave it.

I’m sorry this blog post is all of my inner thoughts but I think I just need to spill all of this out to understand what I’m really feeling. I want to deal with emotions. I still feel like writing, but I don’t know what to say that I haven’t said already. I’m sorry if you stuck through the last 664 words.