“Don’t Let the Roads Grab You”

I’m having a hard time going to sleep.  It feels like I’m putting a stamp on the day and sending it away when all I really want to do is burn the letter and pretend today didn’t happen.

I decided to go through messages that Bryan I sent back and forth. His words were often times wiser than his years (I think that’s the saying anyways). This is from 2 years ago.

From Bryan:

i’m glad we’re still isha and bryan.
no matter what all has ever happened between us, being close, having feelings, arguments, distance, being able to still pick up a phone and talk as openly as everything should be, whatever else is to happen or rehappen.

and i’m glad you’re doing what you want to do.
i’m not glad that we our an hour away from each other. never have been.
going down possibly harmful roads isn’t as dangerous sounding as it once was is it? i think we’ve both got enough experience to know that is truth.

just, don’t let the roads grab you.
you grab the roads. catch my drift?
i need you to do that, so it helps me to do the same.
and i know i really don’t need to actually write all of this out because you already know it, but i just want you to be safe. i just want you to be isha.

hmmm. . .i love you

My response

You, Kayleigh, Sylva, you keep me grounded in life.. Its like at the end of the day, when all else falls apart I can call one of you guys and remember that I’m not alone in this life. That someone out there really does know who I am, despite my actions. Its what I hold on to.

Its always been easy to tell you things. I’m sure we’ll have some interesting conversations next weekend. I completely trust you. I don’t trust easily really, I always feel like someone isn’t saying what they mean completely or they have alternative motives or they are going to look at the situation and look down on me. Its never like that with you (or Kayleigh).

Indeed. Going down harmful roads doesn’t seem so bad as it once did. Maybe its because I feel like I’ve been through the hardest point in my life. Death is completely devasting of course, but beautiful at the same time. I think that I can have my heart broke a few times & Ill be alright. Its the journey, not the end that matters.

I’m trying to be careful. Sometimes thats the whole problem. I care too much about people. I care about everyone else way more than i care about myself. I’m passive and indecisive because I don’t mind decisions others make. I want everyone to be happy & that is where I find joy.

This friendship will never die. Isn’t that a great thing to hold on to? I think so. My friend Craig who was married was telling me why being married was so amazing. He bascially said, well, you have a best friend who is going to love you no matter what, who won’ t leave you or dislike you for something you do.

Sorry Craig, i didn’t have to get married to find that.

***