It may be see you later, but I want you back now.

Someone commented to me that I don’t write enough blogs. I told him that I never know what to write. I don’t even know what to say right now. When I use to post to my xangas (Gotham Needs You and Ishkid)  all the time I would sometimes just start no where and end up with a great entry packed with random things that seemed to all flow together well and sounds beautiful at the end. I don’t know why I stopped taking this approach. Now, I seem to have a set topic in mind and I try to structure it to some degree. I don’t feel like being structured lately.

It’s been a rough week dealing with Bry’s death. My heart feels like it’s in little crumbles of feta cheese.

At one point Bry and I were best friends. Something to the effect of what gRegor and I are now. I felt completely trusting, we had little inside jokes, we told each other everything and were always able to come back after anything and be Bryan and Isha. We hadn’t been as close as of late, but it has still struck my heart, pierced it.

He was 21. Only 21.

One summer, Bry took Sylv and I to the top of the world. It was in August, on his birthday. It was searingly hot outside. The top of the world was this place outside of his little town that looked over quite a bit of land. It’s grassy. The ticks that day were jumping all over the place. We didn’t stay long because we were constantly picking ticks off each other. When we got back to Bry’s, Sylv and I stripped down in the bathroom to make sure we had removed all of the ticks. Bry did so too after us. Then he put on this Batman costume that was too small for him. His birthday cake was Batman and had these Batman rings on them. I wore it forever (even though Matthew made fun of me). Eventually it broke. When Bry stayed at my studio apartment, he left a message for me on a note magnet pad that had the date of The Dark Knight on it and that we should go together. It was two years ago and I still have it up.

When Bry came to visit my apartment, it was hot outside and we were both exhausted. We decided to take a nap. I put some music on and we laid down on my bed. His arm under my neck, my arm across his chest. It was peaceful, restful and platonic. Bry had a way of creating peace in someone. His faith was immeasurable. His life was about seeking beauty, being a true friend and love. He succeeded immensely.

The viewing and funeral were extremely hard. It’s hard to face never seeing someone again, but when it’s someone who is so young, who you shared so many adventures, chats and secrets with, it’s hard to come to terms that it’s really over. It’s over at least in this world. I kept looking at the photo they had up during the funeral, at his smile and how his facial hair made his face even happier and thinking that I won’t ever get to let his smile warm me again. I kept thinking that I should have been there this past year. While I don’t want to have my drum beat to those feelings, I will definitely play different tune in regards to being a better friend.

While I was driving home and Joshua was snoozing next to me, I started thinking as I often do about how impermanent everything is. We could all go at any moment and it’s easy for me to write that but it’s hard for you to really understand that if you haven’t lost someone so recently. I know that my feeling of needing to do everything ASAP will pass and I will return to taking people and things for granted. Actually, I really hope that doesn’t happen this time.

I guess what I’m saying is Bry’s death taught me or reminded me to not put things off. To not let friendships go on hold. To be there when someone needs you. To appreciate every single breath. To tell people you love them even when you don’t want to or when they don’t want to hear it or even if you told them yesterday. Tell people how you feel, show them you love them. Don’t wait.

Fly.

I want to bring Bry back. I want to have been there for him. Mostly I just want to hug him. I want to hug him so hard. I can’t even express this grief of the loss that I and so many people are feeling. It may be see you later, but I want to see him now.

Thank you to everyone who has shown support to me this week, this past month and any time in my short 22 years. I know I don’t always do an adequate job of showing it, but I’m so thankful. I wish I could hug everyone tonight, make everyone feel loved.

I miss you and you are loved.

I hope they know
I never woulda made it this far on my own
Where would we all be without those
Fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers
The friends I’ve made, the long lost lovers
I wouldn’t be who I am today
If not for those I’ve loved along the way