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“It's not the length of life, but the depth of life.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
I just want to post a few things about today, so I can look back and smile.
Today, we had a surprise party for my mom. She turned 50 today. I wanted to do something special for her because she’s had a rough past couple of years and because she’s important. She arrived and was fairly surprised, although she did notice the cars outside. We ate a good meal and had some good cake.
I guess really for me, what meant the most was the feeling of family. I have never felt closer to my brother than I have in the past few years. This goes for my sister in law too. She’s been with my brother since I was 13. Not only do I feel close to them, but they love Joshua. My brother is ecstatic about the idea of Josh becoming his brother in law. I really don’t think Matt could be any more pleased than he is. My nieces love Joshua too and he’s so patient with them. He swings them about, bounces them on his knees and even goes into imaginationland with Keirstyn. gRegor was there today too. I don’t know if it’s my grandma living through my brother and I, but we both have this way that we bring whoever is there to welcomed place with us. I can’t really explain it, I guess it was just the way my brother was joking with gRegor about being gRegor”luv”.
It was like all of these big pieces of my life were meshing together today. It felt like I wasn’t really so lost. When I got home I watched this episode of Boy Meets World. It’s called “Cult Fiction”. It’s this episode where this cult tries to adopt Shawn because he is “lost”. At the end of the episode Shawn realizes that he isn’t lost because all of the people around him love him, it’s real, it’s family and it can bear any Weight he needs.
Today felt close. It felt complete. It felt like love.
I finished a few and added on. I tried to include more from my reading list. I took some off the top 100. I realized that I never REALLY wanted to read some. I’ll probably take some more off, just need to research more about the unknowns for me on the list.
I keep signing on to my site in hopes that I post a blog. I don’t have direction or a central focus and it’s keeping me from putting words on the screen. I guess I just haven’t let my thoughts or emotions settle on any great bit of information that’s worth sharing with the world. I’ve lacked a greater focus for anything. I don’t have much motivation currently.
This past week, IUPUI Parking services called me and gave me a phone interview. I had submitted my resume previously, on a whim. After the phone interview I was offered a second interview, which I complied with. Unfortunately, later that day I found out my Aunt Shannon died, so I canceled the interview. I plan on calling them back tomorrow to set up another interview, it may be too late but I figure I should at least try. I know I’ve had too much free time and haven’t been productive enough so I might as well be making money.
I drove home to Bloomington almost immediately after finding out about my aunt. When my mom called, it felt so much like when my aunt (different aunt than the one mentioned in this blog) called to let me know my grandma died.
Mama: Ish, where are you?
Me: Home, why?
Mama: ((tremble))
Me: Is it bad?
Mama: Yes.
Me: Who?
Mama: Shannon
Honestly, I was terrified it was my brother, nieces or sister in law. Those deaths would be deeper than I know how to bear. I told my mom I’d be down as soon as possible. Once I made it to her place, we went over to my Aunt Shannon’s. Her long time partner, Warner was in tears and told us how it happened. Watching someone die is never easy and often times can be gruesome. I hate even the idea of someone dying and also seeing someone when they’re dead. I greatly regret seeing my grandma after she had passed at the hospital. My brother came over when he got off work. We mostly chit chatted about the past. Later, we left and my mom and I ate pizza. I saw Kayleigh and had lunch with my friend Tim the next day. It was nice to have a day/afternoon of normalcy, of hugs and sunshine. I’ve continued to go on this mini vacation from reality but I know it all ends tomorrow.
The day she died I was really angry. It burned inside of me. Anger is one of my least felt emotions. I don’t know where it all came from. I think, that everything over the past couple of weeks and years descended on me and I was engulfed with anger.
I don’t feel angry now. I feel tired. Not the, I need to go to bed tired. But, life makes me weary kind of tired. I know ultimately I choose how I feel about everything and towards everyone. I can make things better inside my mind and heart and I can choose to be calm about everything. I also know I have to deal with emotions instead of smothering them.
I’m not looking for anyone to tell me what to do or how to feel, I guarantee I already know what you’re going to tell me. Honestly, hugs, holds, kisses and love are the only things that make me feel some kind of hope right now. I’m mostly just dreading tomorrow because I hate funerals, I hate grief and I hate dealing with everyone’s emotions. I know it sounds selfish, maybe it is. It’s just how I feel, take it or leave it.
I’m sorry this blog post is all of my inner thoughts but I think I just need to spill all of this out to understand what I’m really feeling. I want to deal with emotions. I still feel like writing, but I don’t know what to say that I haven’t said already. I’m sorry if you stuck through the last 664 words.
My Aunt Shannon’s Obituary
SEPT. 10, 1954 — MAY 26, 2010
A member of Sanders Pentecostal Church, Shannon had a pure faith in and a strong love for her Lord & Savior Jesus Christ. She never met a stranger and loved everyone and saw the good in all God’s people.
She attended Fairview Elementary and Dyer Junior High School and was a graduate of Bloomington High School South. She was a loving mother, grandmother, sister, daughter and companion.
Survivors include: Warner Costley, longtime companion of Blgtn, 1 daughter Michelle Juelene (Drake) Brown of New Orleans, 1 son Anthony Wayne Drake of Blgtn, 2 granddaughters Kamden Alexander of Louisville, Ky, Emily Agan Drake of Blgtn, 3 sisters Anita L Foster of Blgtn, June L Drake of Blgtn, Caryl L & husband David Gibson of Blgtn. Several aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, great-nieces & nephews and all of her living family of Christ.
She was preceded in death by: mother Patricia (Momma Pat) Gayle Lucas of Blgtn. Grandparents James & Thelma F (Clay) Pfaff, Uncle Rev. Russell Mallory of New Albany, In. Uncle Dallas Pfaff of White Hall, IN.
Arrangements are pending at Deremiah-Frye Mortuary, Greene & Harrell Chapel.
My aunt, Shannon died today.
Things that I want to do right now:
After reading Sheryl’s comment, I realized that I left an essential part of the process LOST was getting at.
“Remember, let go, move on.”
I was thinking about this as I went to bed last night and relating it to situations I’m going through and have gone through. While the remembering part can be hurtful or can evoke happiness, it’s essential to moving on. To not acknowledge that something has happen, does not allow you to fully move on because it doesn’t challenge change in your process to move on.
I loved this message from LOST. The more I come away from the show, the more I fall in love with the ending. Redemption can be found for all of us, even the Benjamin Linus parts of us. You can have peace and forgiveness. You must remember, you must let go and you must move on.
Here is a tentative and incomplete summer reading schedule. I put all the books I’ve finished since the spring semester ended. I just finished Eat, Pray, Love today. I really enjoyed it. It has lit a fire in me to travel–especially to Italy.
Today I started The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. I’m not too far end but so far so sad. I’m not entirely sure it’s the best book for me to read currently, but it feels right. I will add to this list and complete it. I may try to add some of the previous suggestions in the comments. Please let me know if you think of anymore.
I'm an exuberant 20 something year old seeking, exploring and finding my way.
