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“Unicorns shouldn’t be chained to Charlatans and Tricksters. How should I regret you being better off? Makes no sense…” -gjos

Once Upon a Wonderwall

A career adviser encouraged our class to google ourselves, just to make sure nothing embarrassing popped up.  I knew nothing would as I’ve not posted or been involved in anything that could cost me my name. I did so despite that fact and of course my random tramplings over the internet presented themselves to me.

One of the first things listed were my myspace blogs.  I’ve not updated in almost two years and nearly all of them I wrote while in high school. I read through the four or five most recent posts. They were sparse, sometimes stretching a few months in between. Often times very abstract, usually my younger self seeking my identity or posting about my religious philosophy at the time.

One post that resonated, was the one I posted on the last day of my senior year of high school. It was comprised of song lyrics. One read:

Now we’ll all split up and go our own ways
probably won’t see each other the same ways
but no matter what happens
I’ll never forget all the times we’ve had together.

Andy came to mind. Aside from Kayleigh, Andy was my best friend. We rode to school together, we would go lay in the park at night really late and stare up at the stars, take drives blaring music and screaming the lyrics. I can not listen to certain music without hearing Andy’s almost in tune voice singing it. He was my senior prom date. Plastic ring machines at the grocery store bring silent chuckles to me when I remember the early days in our friendship.

We always held each other up. If I needed him, his shoulder was there for me to cry on. My hand was there for him to hold. We were always together at school, maneuvering to get classes together or simply just walking to class together. Everyone assumed we were dating and we endured plenty of banter. But we never took the steps to furthering our friendship. We never even kissed. We had moments when we questioned taking it deeper, but for whatever reason we didn’t.

He saved me in so many ways. He was the goodness of my high school experience.

Sometimes, it really pains me to know how far away we are from each other now. We’ve both gone to the same college since January of 2007 and I’ve seen him approximately five times (not counting when we lived in the dorms together). We both obtained significant others and new friends. Time, life, space, they all got in the way. And we, well, we stopped trying.

I know, I know that’s how life goes sometimes. You just loseWeight Exercise touch. I hate any relationship ending. Often times, I’ve wanted to fix this space. To start hanging out and wait for the awkwardness to recede and for the old days to begin. I’ve even, in some ways started to take the step towards becoming, at the very least more in contact with him, but I’ve never really taken a leap into becoming anything near what we use to be. It’s scary. It’s better left with us having distance because of time, rather than because of rejection from one party.

There are many things,
I’d like to say to you
but I don’t know how.

When my 18 year old self posted those lyrics, she had wisdom beyond what she even knew. We’ve separated, we see each other, maybe in some of the light that we did in high school, but we mostly see each other as someone who time has taken too far away to reconcile the space of it. We’re the same people differently.

I loved and love Andy.  Friendships and memories that existed such as what we had can never be erased. Even though the memories aren’t continually being made, they were at one point in time. Those moments are just as important as the ones I make today and will make tomorrow.

There are many more memories and thoughts I could express about Andy, but perhaps this is enough. Or perhaps, it’ll never be enough.

Keep close the ones you love.

Amish Folk

I just finished an assignment for my Adverse Religions (R339) course. We’re studying the Amish right now and I’ve got to say, aside from working harder to earn their money, they’ve really got it made. Their life is simple, with no stuff, no computers, no cell phones, seemingly no drama. They live daily with God, in all decisions. They’re a community of peace. I need to take a few pointers from them. I’ve been stressing out, taking the stress out on others and overall feeling like I’m running a never ending race this semeseter (and it’s only the 3rd week!). It’s actually pretty silly, because at the end of the day, I’m always caught up with my school work, everything gets turned in on time and I’ve been getting good feedback on my work.

These assignments don’t matter in terms of eternity, but they matter in terms of the next few years. I want to learn, I enjoy gaining knowledge, whether it be computer related, poetry related or Amish related. I need to learn to relax and know that it’s all going to be alright. I need to relax and know there is a peace within my life if I just look for it.

PS: Some Amish shop at Walmart, does that confuse anyone else?

PSS: Donovan and Sarah, my religious study buddies told me to give a shout out on my blog to them (I feel like I’m in high school, sheesh ) But hey, they make my days brighter. ♥

Hey Soul Sister

I love this song.

The way you can’t cut a rug, watching you’s the only drug I need
You’re so gangsta, I’m so thug, you’re the only one I’m dreaming of
You see, I can be myself now finally, in fact there’s nothing I can’t be
I want the world to see you be with me

Future Plans?

I’m suppose to meet with a career adviser today. I’m anxious about it, not really sure why. We’re going to work on my resume, ways I can enhance my LinkedIn account and explore my career ideas. I’m really caught between a few. I’ve thought about being a high school English teacher, a police officer, Child Protection Services or some sort of Children’s Psychologist. Some of those require grad school, others do not. In all honesty, I’d like to start a career or at least work for awhile before I return to school. Hopefully after meeting today I’ll have a better idea of what direction I’d like to go.

In your opinion, what are my best skills? Where do you see me? What are the areas I can improve in?

Twenty Ten

Two thousand and nine passed me by quicker than any year has. I anticipate time will increasingly slip by as I get older. 2009 was full of new people ( Joshua, Kaidenn and Braylen), new forgiveness, the changing of lifestyle, a couple car wrecks and a new home. I usually do a complete year in review, but not this year. It’s safe to say that 2009 was one of my best years, a year of new beginnings that will last a life time. 2010 can have those same promises.
Twenty-ten is a year to implement change, to experience more exciting memories and a year to leave a lasting positive mark in. I’m not one for major resolutions; I don’t plan on losing a certain amount of Lose Weight Exercise or doing something above and beyond expectations. But I do hope to make changes that better me as a person and that follow in the will of God. I do think I will stop doing certain actions and implement others. But I don’t want all of my decisions to be something I’m chasing through the year or something that ends in two weeks. I realize there is always the possibility of failure, but my hope is to get back up and stick with my life changes.

More spiritually focused and Christ driven life
I’ve finally made it back to churc. For the past 7 months I’ve been attending church with Joshua and although it’s of a different background than what I’ve previously been to, it still has the same intentions, the same positive contributions in my life and I still feel connected (if not more so) with Christ.
On top of maintaining church attendance, I realize that there are more changes I can make and need to make to be more in line with what I feel God has intended for me. For the New Year, I have ideas of small but influential changes that I can do to have a more pure relationship with the Lord and the ones I love. These changes include, but are not limited to

• Scripture Study: Joshua and I started reading through the Bible together. We’re almost through Exodus. While I’ve decided to do this, I’ve not been consistent in doing so. I want to read through but also understand and follow God’s commandments more fully.
• Prayer: While I do pray, I don’t do so diligently enough. I need to spend more time in communion with God, in thanksgiving and in asking for direction. I need to lean less on my own understanding, less on my own will and more on God’s. I need to not seek my will, or what I want, but look deeper about what God has in store.

Vices

I don’t have addictions or too many bad habits, but I know that even some of the things I do can be tweaked a bit for an overall better lifestyle. While I hardly drink alcohol, the few times I have in the past couple of months, I drank a bit too much and reach at the least, a level of tipsiness. I’d like to not reach that point any longer. I’d like a clear, level headed mind at all times. I’d like to remember my nights. I know too, that God doesn’t want me to become drunk, at any level. I’m instituting this change, not because I see alcohol in my life as a problem, but because I don’t see it as a positive.

I’d also like to be more aware of what I allow myself to take in. Whether it is music, television, movies or reading material, I think that what I allow into my brain and heart effects who I become and how I react. It won’t be as if I’m going to stop enjoying the entertainment world, I just want to be more diligent in not allowing in certain material.

A Better Bank and a Better Body

In a way these two things go hand in hand. I spend most of my money on food; going out to eat and or buying groceries and not consuming them before they go bad. I’ve already spoken with a personal banker and he’s helping me to understand what I need to do to save money and to spend it wisely. I will be eating out less and having a budgeted supply of money for “fun” excursions. I will not be buying nearly many clothes and accessories, only if they become a necessity.
Joshua and I have enjoyed cooking and finding new things to try out. I’d like to further those escapades. While I don’t have excess Lose Weight Exercise to loseWeight Exercise, I do have a heart, lungs, muscles and bones that want to be fed the correct nutrients to live a long time. The goal of being healthier is much more important than the goal of looking like a model. I plan on continuing to eat healthy and to Lose Weight Exercise a few times a week.

The Future
While I don’t want to have a future set in stone because I want to be open to the possibility of change, I do want to have an idea of the path I will be taking. My goal this year is to pick an area, a career, some directional point to which I want to end up at. I have ideas but they’re almost vague. With this goal, I plan on having building blocks to stand on. Through a course I’m taking now, I will be getting my resume set up to near perfection, I’ll be looking at different careers and building up an online profile for myself. I may not know where I’m going but I have the knowledge, will and skills to accomplish my goals. I hope to be well organized and ready for anything when the time comes.
Not only do I want my career life to start to take off but I want to continue to shape the bonds and relationships I have. I want to remain connected with the growth of my nieces, nephew and Godchild. I want to maintain the friendships that I hold dear. I know sometimes I lack at being around or being there, but I intend to always make time for those relationships. I also want to continually better my relationship with Joshua. We are striving to grow spiritually and to always choose love.

These changes may take time, may take failing, may take a kick in my behind, but I know I can accomplish all of these and build a better Isha.

Artichoke

Artichoke
“O heart weighed down by so many wings.”

-Joseph Hutchinson

As I was reading though The Poetry Home Repair Manual by Ted Kooser, I came across that poem.  It’s only one line, but it really caught my eye. It resonated with me.