Last Words

I’ve not kept up with blogging. I’ve written down several ideas to write about, but time has passed and my memory of what I wanted to say has slowly faded. Perhaps I’ll still get to those other topics (Shawshank Redemption, something about love being a two person commitment, etc). Even this post, which I’ve had on my mind since an episode of How I Met Your Mother, seems less pressing. However, unfortunately, the episode I’m referring to, called Last Words, isn’t the only thing leaving me wondering about leaving you all behind, but Mrs. Wilson’s recent journey with cancer and her thoughts on dying (sooner rather than later-however, all of our lives are determined by God, not by doctors or tumors).

For those of you who don’t know, I live with Mrs. Wilson. She and Jeff, offered a home for me when my lease was up in my apartment. They’re gracious and wanted to help me out with money. I’ve been living there for a year and a half. Mrs. Wilson has been battling cancer for some time, but recently it’s taken a more serious turn. She was in the hospital for a whole week and we found out that the cancer has spread a bit. The chemo seems to have some good effect, however it’s not going to be enough to enter her into remission. This in and out of the hospital fiasco, has started to open our eyes to the reality of cancer’s deadliness. Ovarian cancer is aggressive, most woman diagnosed with it don’t survive nearly as long as Mrs. Wilson has. Time is not promised simply because it has been given.

While visiting her in the hospital, we talked about dying, how it may be closer than we hope for, how it’s suddenly hitting us that it may take her, that it may finally win. Mrs. Wilson has so much faith in Christ and doesn’t fear her afterlife, but the actual dying part, the departing from us, the moment of her last heartbeat is what frighten hers a bit. She doesn’t want to leave behind anyone or leave anything undone. She had cancer before, when Matthew and Jenny were just little kids and prayed she could live to raise them. She’s been given that, but of course she’s left wanting more (as she should). We should always leave wanting more.

Although Mrs. Wilson hasn’t given me her last words, she’s given me some great thoughts to lean on. She’s said several times that the most important thing in life are our relationships with people. She says that in her last days, whenever they may be, the thing she knows, is that she has to be with the people she loves and she lives this out every day–through telephone conversations, through late night kitchen conversations, through countless cards she sends and receives.  She gives herself completely to people, always looking for ways to help.

Another thing she says often is to cherish the days you are in good health. I know that it’s very easy to take for granted all the days we feel great, it’s not until we’re heaving our insides or feel our heads aching that we remember how fortunate good health it.  Along with this is taking care of yourself–exercise and healthy eating options.

Without sharing any spoilers (I know gRegor is watching HIMYM), the episode I’m referring to talks about the importance (or unimportance of last words). In the episode one of the characters is having a hard time dealing with a death and the last words said to them from the person who passed. In the end, they accept the fact that the last words weren’t as important as all the time shared, conversations had and love exchanged.

Both of these things have had me questioning what we,  individually would feel if one of us died.

I don’t necessarily know everyone who is reading this or maybe I haven’t spoken to you sometime. Maybe we’ve simply not seen each other in a long time. Maybe we don’t know how to cross that bride to open up the lines of communication again.

I think we get lost in so many unimportant things in life and loseWeight Exercise sight of the heart of our humanity. When it comes to dying, we put aside all the stupid crap and love each other.

So in the words of Marshall Erikson, “I really really love you guys.”

Growing in Faith

Recently, Joshua and I had the chance to hear a series of messages from an Archabbot (Lambert). His messages were surrounding faith and how one can grow in it. Often times, I think that my faith simply grows because I simply believe or because I happen to stand up for something. His messages however, really changed the way I view myself and how I react to nearly every thing in life. I hope I continue to implement his thoughts into my life. Here are some notes I took:

• “If there are certain things we haven’t done, it doesn’t mean we are good, it means God has been good to us.” (you may have just not had the chance)
• The most repeated message in scripture is: God’s ways and thoughts are not our ways and thoughts.
• Faith: What God reveals to be His mind. We should submit our thinking to His.
• We always see things from WHERE WE ARE rather than from WHERE THEY ARE.
• If I want to grow in faith, what would that be? Largely it’s having a better understanding of how God sees the world. (i.e. in Cana Jesus shows a man that the proximity of where He (Christ) is does not matter when it comes to healing).
• “Growing in faith means accepting whatever He wants.”
• We all believe we’re entitled to what we want–why? Are we really entitled to anything?
• Theology is faith knocking on mystery’s door.
• We like to fashion God into what we want. We pick and choose–then we forget the rest.
• Jesus tells us to: turn the cheek, give more when someone takes something, etc–accepting these things is growing in faith.
• We don’t get to chose the cross we carry.
• “It doesn’t matter if I like it or not, if God wants it, that’s what should be.”
• Sometimes we equate growing in faith with growing in feeling.
• Growing in faith=growing in prayer–which means praying for more than just what we want.
• God doesn’t make mistakes.
• There is no such thing as being Christian without suffering.
• “Lord I believe, help my unbelief.”
• We become who we’re suppose to be by accepting who we are. Do not try to become what you are not, be well at what you are.
• God doesn’t want us to change who we are, to try to be a saint, but to adopt their virtues.
• The more like Christ we are, the more human we become.
• When we learn to accept ourselves, we have to learn to accept other people.
• Learning to live with “it,” is learning the peace of Christ.
• We do not become God by eating the tree as Adam did, but by hanging on it as the second Adam did.
• Sanctify yourself and you will sanctify the church.

And some quotes mentioned by some well known individuals:

• I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle–I just wish He wouldn’t trust me so much.-Mother Teresa.
• It’s hard to think without sinning. -St. Augustine
• I knew you would tire of confessing long before I would tire of forgiving. -Phillip Neary
• Success is not in succeding but in never giving up trying. -Mother Teresa

Notes from the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis (Part II)

I finished The Screwtape Letters a week or two ago but I’m just now getting around to revisiting my notes on the matter. I wrote them in a journal I recently finished, so this blog kept escaping me. Here are further thoughts I wrote down about the remaining letters. See my previous entry for more information about the book by C.S. Lewis.

• Live in the present, it is the only moment close to eternity. The past is frozen, it does not flow, the future breeds feelings of fear, avarice and lust. If you always seek a future happiness, you will never be present for today’s happiness.
• Shopping around for churches, for the “right one”–the one that “suits you,” can cause you to be a critic where God wants you to be a pupil.
• The of oneself should also be the good of another. This is love.
• Satan doesn’t know love, he doesn’t believe in it, he believes it is impossible.
• The way in which women have been viewed, has changed dramatically. At diffwerent times, different sorts fo women have been “beautiful.” The eyes have been trained and are increasingly important in terms of sexuality. Will the eye’s/or have the eye’s demands become far reaching or impossible?
• We say, “my body,” but to whom or what do our bodies belong?
• “They will find out in the end, never fear, to whom their time, their souls and their body really belong.”
• Silence can be beautiful. Do not always surround yourself with noise.
• Believe in Christ, because He is true–not for any other reason (i.e. personal advancement/gain or “only such a faith can outlast the death of old cultures and the birth of new civilizations.”
• Marriage/relationships don’t succeed on love alone–charity is needed.
• Pray expecting an answer.
• Despair is a sin.

Notes from The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis (Part I)

I started reading C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters this week. This book consists of numerous letters written by Screwtape, a tempter/demon from Hell. He is writing letters to his nephew Wormwood, a new and inexperienced tempter. Screwtape is giving Wormwood advice on how to get his “patient” (an unnamed Christian man) to turn from “The Enemy” (God) towards “Our Father Below” (the devil). These letters help the reader examine our many failings and downfalls within our human nature.  I’ve been taking notes and thought I’d share some of the discoveries or ideas I’ve pondered over while reading.I’ve written down a few quotes as well.

• Do we base our view of religion on outward appearances or other petty things at church? I know it’s very easy to judge any religion based on worldly things, I’ve done so myself. Would we leave a church or our religion if the other people in it all started dressing or acting in ways that bothered us?
• “It matters very little, of course, what kind of people that the next pew really contains.”
• Life is full of disappointment. We set things up in our minds…“dreaming aspirations” and when they come to pass, they’re less than what we hoped for. BUT does this mean we simply give up or become unhappy?
• We often judge others on whatever ground we choose to, but we fail to examine ourselves in the same light. We should always be abundant with grace.
• The more time spent with God, the more humility we have.
• Our faith, our “conversion” is not enough. It is not only important within ourselves but must be displayed in our lives.
• Pray with selflessness and love for others.
• Remember: the tone in which you speak is important.
• “What our bodies do affect our souls.”
• We think that the devil is constantly putting things in our mind, but what is he keeping out?
• One of the easiest ways to turn our minds from God, is to turn our minds on ourselves.
• Do we estimate the value of each prayer by the success or failure in producing the desired feeling?

• The devil is everywhere, constantly working to sway us in the direction he feels he can work the most harm.
• “Suspense” and “anxiety” barricade our minds against God.
• If we live in disbelief of the devil, we become easily fooled by him. It’s easy to think of the devil as a horned being with red tights, but this mythological image undermines his influence.
• God wants for us to be one, yet individuals as well. The Devil just wants us to be his.
• God created pleasure, which should be felt at certain times and in certain places.
• The devil can cause us to waste time in conversation.
• Do you want your life to come to an end and feel like this: “I now see that I spent most of my life doing neither what I ought nor what i liked.”
• Nothing is strong, nothing can steal away years.
• “Indeed the safest road to hell is the gradual one–the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones without signposts.”
• Never take pride when you find yourself being humble.
• Humility is not trying to lower ones idea of oneself–it does not mean a pretty woman should try to believe she is ugly or a clever man trying to believe he is a fool. This makes ones mind revolve around themselves–which is the path away from humility. It is better to believe oneself a good poet or artist and forget about it, than to spend so much time convincing oneself they are poor.

A Look Back at 2010 & a Glimpse into 2011

When I had a livejournal for a few years, I would always look back at the year when I new one was about to ring in and do a small summary of events. I feel like doing this again. I looked over blogs, my calendar and my journal. Hopefully I’ve covered most of the big events. I’m sure I’ve forgotten something though. It was a year of firsts, lessons and love. I hope to take what I’ve learned in 2010 and apply it in 2011.

January
I rang in the new year in Indy with Joshua and some of his friends. I love starting the New Year kissing him.
I officially became a Drake. I went to court (with gRegor) and the judge approved my request.
Josh, Steph, Bridget and I saw David Nail at 8 Seconds Saloon

February
I gave up Facebook for Lent.
Colts were in the Superbowl and lost (but to a worthy team).
Joshua and I celebrated our first Valentine’s Day together.
I started reading though my Grandma’s journals (30+).
I turned 22.

March
Nothing major happened (that I could find).

April
Josh, his sibs and I saw Justin Moore at 8 Second Saloon and the following day saw Darius Rucker, Daughtry, Ryan Seacrest and the Papa Johns guy for free.
I quit the library to work at The Boys and Girls Club. That job didn’t pan out.

May
Josh and I (and Dinger) went to a Goo Goo Dolls concert.
My Aunt Shannon passed away.
LOST ended and we all cried with Jack.
Joshua and I bought Hurley Linus.

June
Josh and I went to a Brad Paisley & Darius Rucker concert (Easton Corbin, Josh Thompson and Steel Magnolias was there too).
Bry passed away from cancer.
I fainted for the first time ever at church.

July
Mitch (the brother who is directly in front of Josh) and Melissa got married.  Also this is the same day Josh and I met, one year prior. He wrote me a beautiful letter and gave me a little photo album.
gRegor and I visited KrazMataz (Jon Krasnicihanaslknen) and Jenn in Chicago. We met the head explosive guy on Transformers 3.
I started working at Barnes & Noble (IUPUI)

August
Josh and I celebrated one year together. It was wonderful.
Kaidenn turned 1 years old!
The fair rolled back into town.
Joshua and I saw Beatles on the Prairie and it really felt like I was watching THE Beatles.
I beagan my last semseter in college.
I started working at Indy Met.
September
Josh and I went camping for his birthday, right outside of Turkey Run. We went canoeing. It was an awesome weekend.
Braylen turned 1

October
Joshua, gRegor, Suzical, Jon Krazmataz!, Ryan, Nathan and I went camping in Brown County. The weather was perfect and so were the beans.
We went to the Headless Horseman at Conner Prairie.
Saw my first owl in the wild, at the park Joshua and I go to a lot–which is also where he proposed to me.
We went on an owl prowl and saw no owls.
I served jury duty for the second time.

November
Joshua proposed and I said yes.
We had an engagement party in Ohio.
Joshua, Datruce and I attending Follow the North Star at Conner Prairie.
Harry Potter 7 part 1: the beginning of the end of an 11 year journey.

December
I read poetry at a poetry reading and won a haiku contest (both first times)
I bought my wedding dress.
I graduated from college.

2011: What’s Next? (a few items on the list thus far-haven’t looked to far into it yet)
We plan on seeing Anne Frank at the IRT at the end of the month.
Obtain new employment.
Save money.
Plan our wedding.
I turn 23.
I walk for graduation in May.
Joshua andI are getting married!
Honeymoon.
Move.
Concerts (Easton Corbin first)

Follow the North Star

Recently Joshua, his little brother Datruce (through BBBS) and I went on Follow the North Star at Conner Prairie. It is basically a journey in which you become a runaway slave in the year 1836. We went to a late night one, so it was very dark and cold. We were first taken out into the pathways leading around forests on CP’s property. We were let out and led to a place between two cabins. A man came out of the cabin and yelled at us to separate, men in one line and women in another. We were led to “slave traders”.

They then yelled at us, using profanity and so much hate. I kept giggling because I was so nervous. This got me in trouble and put on my knees. One of the men, I think he was our owner made me tell him what I could do. I said cook. He asked me how to prepare a chicken. He wanted me to start from when the chicken was alive. Let’s just say it didn’t go well. A woman came up and started yelling at me too.

After this we were taken over to a pile of wood and told to move it about 10 or 15 feet and make a new pile. They kept kicking it over and making us redo it. I tried really hard to make it perfect but it was clear that they only wanted us to work. They left and we decided to walk down the road. I thought it would be better if we got back in our lines but apparently that was a bad idea which we were yelled at for later. We made it to a barn, where a few sisters (not nuns) were. They took us and continually yelling at us to keep our heads down. They told us they didn’t really want to help us, that they were putting themselves in danger. They gave us advice and information that would help us know what to do later and told us to be on our way.

We were now in the woods when we ran across another fleeing slave. This man led us along the path for awhile and told us his story. His wife and children had been taken to another slave farm and he was trying to reach her. The likelihood that he ever would in that time was slim to none. She could be dead for all he knew. We then made it out of the woods but encountered a terribly angry man that made us all get on our knees. Two boys were hesitant to do so and they were made to lay face down on the ground. He yelled at us and told us to stay put but we left the moment we got the chance. He saw us and fired his gun a few times. Our group had quite a few high schoolers in it and they weren’t keen on following directions. We weren’t suppose to run, we were suppose to stay as a group. We finally made it to the village and someone was to go knock on a door of a Quaker home. They allowed us all to come and fed us cornbread. While we rested there, slave hunters knocked on the door but the Quakers didn’t allow them to come in. We left shortly after and found the house of a freed black woman. She was frustrated by our appearance because she didn’t want to get caught housing us. She gave us advice and we were on our way. The next stop was our last. An older woman told us what happened to many of us. Many of us died before we reached freedom, some made it, some got caught.

This was one of the best experience I’ve ever had. I would highly recommend it to anyone who is willing to put themselves in that time, full absorb what they’re experiencing. I lost myself in it. I felt emotions as if I were in it (of course not as fully as the actual slaves did in those times). But it helped to understand the constant anxiety that they once felt. The fear must have been overwhelming. When I was being questioned by the slave traders I felt stupid, as I’m sure many slaves were made to feel by both white and even black owners. I wasn’t allowed to look anyone in the eye, my head had to be down the entire time (until we reached the Quakers). I think this experience helps to open your eyes to what a horrible tragedy slavery and prejudice is. We often take (not just white people, but all races) our freedoms, even to look each other in the eyes, for granted.

We should all strive to judge one another by one’s content, not one’s skin color–this sentiment from Martin Luther King Jr. went through my head many times. While my skin color didn’t change, I better understood what it meant to be judged simply based on what color my skin was.

Bookie Updated

Below is the list of books I was to read before 2011. I didn’t complete it but made a dent. Joshua and I are reading Anne Frank together, we’re planning on seeing the show at the IRT this month. We’ll have to pick up the reading speed. I think I’ll change the list a bit now, and add a few more (all books after Anne Frank). I’m continuing to read books off my Top 100 list (I’ve deleted many of the books off that list).

• Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
• The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
• The Lord of the Ring: Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien
• Matlida by Roald Dahl
• The Great Gatsby by F Scott Fitzgerald (I think I may have read this in high school but I don’t remember much from it.)
• Animal Farm by George Orwell
• The Diary of Anne Frank by Anne Frank
• Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift
• Life of Pi by Yann Martel
• Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis
• Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov

I must finish all these other books before I add more to my list! I’m such a book geek!